1. |
Mountain Dew Hangover
03:28
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They got the new Mountain Dew Liberty Brew, man! So you know I bought a shitload of it. The greatest drink and the greatest country teamed up for a flavor splooge all over me. Well I was drinking the shit out of it and commenting on PornHub videos.
Next thing I know, it’s 4am. I got work early, oh shit!
I slept late and my boss was pissed. Apparently I’ve done this type of shit before, but bossman can suck it, amirite? Well the joke’s on me because he fired my ass, said, “No need for two weeks. Go ahead and leave.” I was like, “But what about all the Cup-a-Noodles in my locker?!”
So the next day I’m filling out job applications by hand and turning them in. While I’m out I go to over to bossman’s house and take a big, greasy shit in his truck bed!
It was the middle of day Saturday, so of course I was spotted. But who fuckin’ knows, man, maybe that’s what I wanted all along. Yeah man. Maybe that’s what I wanted all along.
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2. |
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I was rocking and rolling, till the greased wheels fell off. A slip-n-slide with my Christmas bonus. He was getting a lap dance and he had this huge woody. Yeah man it was just raging, like Secretariat.
Did I graze it? In the bathroom?! I plead the fifth amendment!
Well Long Dong Silver told the strippers all about it. I thought everything was cool at the Astro, but they don’t want guys to swing both ways.
He dragged me outside.
It was shooting fish in a barrel because of the horse tranquilizers. Forgive me if my memory is kinda fucked up. The strippers stomped my privates with their high heels. They pointed at my wounds, and they laughed.
Long Dong filmed, then he teabagged me while punching me. Yeah, you can find it online, but please don’t watch it.
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3. |
The Magic Mike Fiasco
02:59
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We’re watching TV tonight. I’m at Big Dave’s on his wife’s birthday. She puts on Magic Mike just as a joke, but things are getting heated.
My pants are getting tighter! Don’t let them see it! The snake is on the loose!
Oh shit.
It might be worse than I thought. I jam the tweezers into my urethra. I should not be enjoying this. I go back out and sit on the couch. But that’s when the shit hits the fan.
Whoopsidaisies. I lost control. I’m humping the couch. Big Dave is pissed! I’ll never be invited back. Another friendship down the drain.
But to my delight, Big Dave brushes it off in a heartbeat.
“No sweat,” he says. “You just gotta buy me a new couch. We can go tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at 10 am.”
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